FEAR OF REJECTION BREEDS TRUST ISSUES, SELF DOUBT AND ANGER

In my adolescent years I always wanted to be just like other girls who got attention. I also wanted to get attention from peer boys(Hahaha I know right), but I felt like I wasn't fit enough to get that attention because well maybe I didn't have what the other girls had... I just couldn't figure it out at all. Anyways it wasn't a must to get the boy's attention, because after all there weren't any trophies to be won or neither would it have been a success path for my education. I must confess in my last years of primary school, I wrote a love note in those manilla papers that we used to make book marks with (Yeees right) to a boy who I was fond of and we were desk mates at some point. Couldn't really figure out why I even did this but whatever was ruling in my mind and heart was to prove to others that I could also get the attention (that I assumed other girls got from boys), penned down a love note and slid it in his desk when other pupils had gone for evening devotion/fellowship. The results or consequences are hidden in the walls of that class and definitely with my classmates at the time.

Fast forward to my teenage years I still felt I wasn't Worth it, I felt some sense of social rejection. Just to take you back I now thought that since I couldn't get attention with boys who were my peers, I just cropped up thoughts in my mind that the older boys would make me feel home(worthy) Haha for lack of a better word. I was the quiet type, really wanted everyone to be my friend so that I feel part of the social group. I even tried to force friendships and start a conversation with other school mates now other girls to fill a void of not feeling rejected. I wanted to fit in and feel normal like others but inside me I felt empty, of course I never shared this with anyone because I didn't feel anyone would understand and maybe they would laugh about it(I literally had insecurities). 

Over the years I have found myself in situations that I am a doubting Thomas, I didn't or still don't trust easily. Or when I trust it's because I am looking or seeking that attention so that I don't feel rejected. I would even go further and lie about something atimes or share relative experiences with others in a group so that I feel part of them and not out of place. I have complicated or even ended relationships just because I didn't want to be told no or something close to being rejected.

In this journey of life self awareness is very important and until one is aware of their strengths and weaknesses, we can never live past what has been hurting us. Unless we really know what triggers pain and emotional breakdown, it will be hard for one to move to the next level without hurting others or hurting thyself especially internally, but towards others it will be visible and not tolerable. I have struggled with trust issues, I have struggled with anger issues, Sense of social rejection, I have also struggled with fitting in or wanting to please others. However I am am progressively healing from all that because I became aware of what has been eating me up inside and at one point or another I have extended it to other people without realizing it. 

Salvation has also impacted my journey in a great way. There's actually knowing that you are saved and understanding that salvation and what it really means. It is only through what we encounter or go through in life that helps us grow in salvation, it teaches us to fully depend on God with everything, it teaches us self love, unconditional love, as well how to progressively overcome what we have been through and what the enemy tries to remind us to go back to. 

God I pray that you help me forgive myself, forgive others, fully heal from my past experiences and ask for your forgiveness Lord.... Grant me a life of freedom and renew me everyday in my heart, mind and soul. In Jesus name I pray and Believe, AMEN and AMEN.

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN!

 

Image Source: Pinterest

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN!

SCENARIO ONE: Back in primary school I was really the quiet character and there was this boy who always bullied me to a point it affected me and I never shared it with anyone, I used to ask myself why didn’t he bully the rest of the girls or even pupils. I used to cry many times but not in public, one day my classmate found me crying and asked me why I’m crying I told her about the boy in our class but her response wasn’t helpful she told me that, he is a playful boy I think he is not a bully and likes joking around. I think that grew fear in me towards boys. In Sunday school I had a similar experience, a certain boy used to tear my lace dresses. His way of bullying me was tearing off the lace part of it (thank God the dresses had a lining), I used to go home crying. I don’t remember any other girls complain of their dresses been torn and if there were, they never spoke about it. Those two experiences happened in my early stages of school but I did bury them somewhere inside of me.

Why did I bury the experiences? Maybe I thought it was normal and we were young, but it still affected me silently. However over the years I have learnt that speaking out and to the necessary people is a first step to healing deep inside, I never shared with any teacher in school and as for Sunday school I never shared with any of the teachers.

SCENARIO TWO: I had just cleared high school and thought I was all grown up to even attend overnight parties (hahaha I still laugh at this to date). So there was a Christmas Eve house party at one of my cousin’s place and I really wanted to go but of course I was too young to go out and still fresh from school. Since some of my cousins were going I decided to escort them to the bus stop where they would board a matatu to their destination, at home they knew I was coming back after escorting my cousins. When I got to the bus stop I still felt I should go, you know that small voice that keeps telling you…’Go…Go…Just go…You are in safe hands and again it’s your cousin’s place…there’s no harm in it’. Long story short I never went back home but joined my cousins to attend the party.

Why did I want to attend the party? To be honest I really wanted to fit in, in the elder cousins group, to feel like I belong and just wanted to be part of a crowd. I still ask myself why I wanted to feel part of a crowd and in some of my adult years I also never wanted to be left behind when people attended parties or such gatherings. I thought its curiosity or been rebellious but that wasn’t it, because I wasn’t and have never been a fan of all the hullabaloos in parties, but it was just that comfort of being in the company of people, talking and laughing together.

I have been able to pen this down because I am a working progress in healing, acceptance name it and whatever happened to me in the past has in one way affected my today.

All those buried memories that seem to be fresh new memories to date, tells you that it wasn’t really dead and buried, but it was just hidden in a corner and kept coming alive when a similar experience triggered the memories. Deep buried memories build up monsters symbolically.

Everyone has a story or stories, but what I have learnt is that silence is not always golden! Speak out when you have a chance, even when they doubt you there’s someone more superior who hears, listens and knows it all speak to Him in prayer as though having a dialogue with someone directly and He will do His part…, That super being is God our Father.

Part Two loading soon…

FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!

 FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

I have heard of this quote; “Fake it, till you make it…” and I can’t blame the author because maybe there is what inspired them. I tend to believe that every quote comes from experiences one has gone through and when they overcome or succeed then a quote is born out of that as an inspiration.

There is a season I was waiting on the Lord to open a door of pursuing my dream course Journalism/Mass communication and at the same time I was trusting God to provide a job as well. Most of us can confess of the many job applications they have sent on email or even drop a resume or even go for countless interviews and still have hope that in their waiting season God will come through, others give up and go with what comes along. In my waiting season I was contacted for a job interview, and as usual I got there before time. The job interview went well, however I was to wait for feedback. As I walked to the bus stop I told God I want to go back to school and pursue my dream school, “Lord I don’t know how I will make it through, since I am not on any kind of sustainable income, but Lord I will trust your will and go to my college of choice which offers that course, get full details as I activate my faith for provision.”

I sat at the college reception waiting in line to be called, fortunately I had most of the necessary documents needed for the application. By faith I told the secretary at the reception who was attending me that I will have some installment fee by start of next month. True to it I managed to raise some amount before the next intake which I was to start, by faith I began my classes and I registered for evening classes since I was still trusting God for a job and as well an income to cater for my needs.

I still managed to attend interviews since during the day I was flexible. I decided to join church mission work under the women ministry (where I volunteered in most activities), this specific mission was scheduled for every Monday. So I managed to attend two sessions in a girl’s rehabilitation center. During this mission work on my second day after taking the girls through a bible study session and getting ready to go back home with the other ladies who were in the mission, I got a call that I was considered for a position I had applied for in one of the many interviews and I should go collect my contract which included the starting dates. To date I still believe that God rewarded me for giving myself fully into His work for this specific mission and answered my prayers about a job.

Faith without action is dead: All this time I was in the waiting season, not that I just sat down to wait on God, I also activated my faith through my actions by at least keeping myself occupied with community or church activities as God enabled me. During this time I learnt that I had to Faith it till I made it or rather walk in obedience, trust, humility and hope in God so that I could get to my Canaan. Did I mention before I got the job there are people God used to be in my path, others I felt I was even a bother rather I felt I was too much (but those were just my assumptions, you know what the enemy-one who comes to steal, kill and destroy clouds in your mind…that was it). There are those who let me use their houses as prayer rooms, there are those that called me for part time jobs, there are those that offered help as God directed them, others were just sent to encourage, motivate, inspire; the list can go on.  I am grateful for God using His people, even when least expected and my daily prayer is that may their store houses never lack and may your grace and favour Lord be upon all of them.

In this journey of “FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” there are valleys and mountain moments, we are all a working progress because the valley moments always seem more than the mountain moments, but it’s because we look at it with a human (worldly) perspective instead of a Godly perspective. So let us know that God is always with us no matter what, it may never look like it but He is in the FAITH journey with us. Let us appreciate all seasons because they teach us something, renew us in our hearts, minds and we testify of God’s doing which all glory goes back to Him.

Verses about faith:

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

John 8:24 unless you believe that I am who I claim to be, you will die in your sins.

John 7:38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.

Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

 

 

 

My Story

...The water tank in our compound at home is mounted on a wooden stand, on one corner I placed a bar soap I was using to wash rather clean my slippers. After cleaning I went back to the house and continued with my usual evening chores. Later before it was dark I went to collect my slippers where I had placed them on top of the tank so that's they dry fast. The same corner of the wooden Stand I had placed the soap (but had already removed The soap) hadn't dried up well, so it was slippery. I convinced myself three times I would step and not slide, climbing up was easy but as I was getting back down(However the distance between the stand and the ground was not that long or rather big.. a very short distance). Little did I know that I assumed something that would cause harm to my legs... In less than a minute I slid, my left knee twisted and I was out of control and found myself lying flat on the ground... I tried to Stand but The pain was unexplainable because my leg couldn't move...The screams were countless 😔😔 How I was saved is a story for another day.
The above narrative is as a result of lack of anger management, I was going through a tough season over decisions made out of anger. The anger mountain or monster was building up in me day by day but I hadn't realized that it would cause problems until the above happened.
One would wonder how anger relates to the narrative but I was frustrated with someone who used to work for us as a caregiver and had started frustrating my parents to a point it got to me and I wasn't psychologically stable, such that my emotions controlled my mind.
Back to the narrative, at the time I assumed and stepped on the wooden stand corner which had soap jelly, thoughts that were running through my mind were evident in my actions and since that day I asked myself and I quote "yaani juu ya kukasirika I have a knee that can't be as normal again but can atleast do most of the things and I am grateful to God I can walk as normal".
To be honest that knee still reminds me to-date that I should control my anger at all times and remain calm until all cools down. Can I confess that emotional mind games  convinced me to lie of how I fell and twisted my knee, to everyone?🙆🙆 because I didn't want to share what I was going through then and I wasn't ready at all, till today! I am glad God has healed me of many things and allowed me to share this experience.
Do I regret what happened? Yes. But The greatest thing is that It was a good lesson to work on my anger and God has helped me, I am a working progress, so far so good.

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GRACE AND FAITH MOUNTAINS

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!

The words of this song remind me of how God's grace abounds in us as His children. To be honest I have been saved by that grace not even once in life situations rather life seasons.

I will share an experience of God's Grace over my life inspired by two family seasons that have increased my faith to a level I feel I can now sit with Father Abraham who was considered the most faithful man of God in the Bible.
Back in 2014 at 7.00pm, my mother suffered a stroke and to tell you the truth since I am the one who found her laying down on the floor helpless... I couldn't tell what was wrong, she couldn't talk, she tried but couldn't (My heart sank literally). But mama could try and move her body as if trying to stand up or sit herself down but it was not possible, so that proved she was alive (Thank you Jesus). Long story short I tried to lift her up but I couldn't so I called my dad on phone who was on his way home from choir practice, which he has served in Choir Ministry over a decade that is where I got my love for song. The most shocking thing none of us (dad and I) had financial plans for this sudden and shocking matter, so we started calling friends for help for transport so that we would get my mother to the hospital. We managed to get transport and took mama to hospital, the doctors attended her as fast as possible and reported that high blood pressure caused a stroke and has affected her right side of the body physically. We drove with an ambulance from hospital to hospital for different tests and scans mind you this was at night, finally she was stabilized and back to the main hospital for admission;  by this time it was almost mid-night and I contacted family and friends to inform them of what had just happened and seeking financial aid for the expenses of all tests my mama had to go through.
My mama was admitted for 3 weeks still undergoing treatment and when it was time for her to be discharged it was a whole transition of her coming home and actually recovering while at home. That transitioning was not easy at all, honestly it was not 😢😢; How we(family) managed to date I can only explain with few words: BY THE GRACE OF GOD because it was not our human self that actualized everything it was only by God's Grace. Its been almost 6 years now and God has moulded my character like the song goes "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God and He unravels me with a melody.." whenever such seasons of great transition come my way, I can only raise a melody to God seeking encouragement and shalom.

Its 2020, the first quarter of the year and as a family walls came crushing down when my dad fell sick😢😢. You know the world called this an year of double portion!! (Isaiah 61:7), but double portion is a journey of mountains and valleys with countless transitions that you only have to trust God in every situation. In such seasons there's no situation or experience too small... nothing is ever measured... all immeasurable, so you have to "Trust and Obey God" no matter what (Psalm 33:18-22). True to it tears have been shed, Questions have been asked endlessly (I mean like actually questioning God), They say Unity is Strength 👊🙌- that is one of the things that kept me and my sister going. Long story short the first hospital we rushed our dad to with the help of our aunty, they did try to at least stabilize him but they really didn't sort out the issue because he needed oxygen since it was a struggle breathing on his own. This is a day after Valentines day; 15th February 2020. He had to be admitted, But the whole process of even admitting him was not funny at all, well that's a story for another day because today we are dwelling on Amazing Grace on the mountain, increases our faith....
Sunday, 16th February 2020, 7.00am we go visit dad with my sister(the hospital was within our home area - Gitaru). There wasn't much improvement and he was still breathing heavily which affected his speech, because without enough oxygen in the respiratory system the body cannot function well even talking is usually a struggle. At some point my sister had to go back home and be with mama. I contacted my aunty, my cousin who is a nurse and all family and relatives called on each other to come help us (My sister and I) make a decision about my dad being transferred to another hospital. Whoever God sent to come to hospital that day, He had given them a role to play because the situation wasn't good at all. One of my cousin's called for an ambulance (Yeah I know you might be asking didn't the hospital have an ambulance - remember the hospital ordeal is a story for another day). Everyone was either busy on a call or trying to keep dad awake, others praying, another getting a letter of transfer from the doctor in charge - it was all a roller-coaster of one task to the other.

It was past mid-day and we were already in an ambulance to the other hospital(In Nairobi West) that our cousin recommended by the help of the ambulance people. It was my first time at the back of an ambulance where you actually sit next to the patient and almost imagine you feel his/her pain(Not a funny experience at all, I tend to believe my tear glands were so active, they are hardly active other days(my sister would attest to this), but We sing a hymn - It is well, it is well with my soul, with my soul it is well, it is well with my soul.  
Now remember the mountains and valleys of double portion that I mentioned in the earlier, they were well encountered, dad was admitted in the hospital we transferred him to and all was calm since they attended to him immediately - Thank you Jesus! The warm and kind reception we got at that hospital was exemplary.
My greatest encouragement through this whole season was Trust God even if you don't understand, Just trust Him. The hospital visits took almost one and a half months, there are days when all was bright like sunshine and there are those even darkness couldn't fathom. It was like literally hiking up the mountains and you can't give up in the middle you have to push on no matter what, My sister would relate well with hiking mountains all low and high 😊😀. We would go back home with my sister through out those visits and just worship God in prayer and song, we let Him take control fully... we even recorded an audio of our own song!! Woow! isn't God so amazing?
Wait for chapter two where we had to raise a hospital bill of 1.2M in less than two months....

A CHAT WITH GOD

Dear God,

I will not raise my voice nor raise a hand to anyone because God says in His Word *BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD*

I will not fight battles physically instead I will let God fight for me because He says in His word "THAT HE WILL FIGHT FOR US*

I will not live in fear because God's word encourages us *BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS*

I will not be timid or fret about what seasons I have gone or going through because The word of God says *HE THAT IS IN US IS GREATER THAN HE THAT IS IN THE WORLD*

I will not complain because *THE HOLY SPIRIT WAS LEFT ON EARTH AS OUR HELPER AND WILL HELP me keep shut when such thoughts come.

I WILL LET GOD TAKE CONTROL, I WILL LET GOD BE GOD OVER MY LIFE IN EVERYTHING.