In my adolescent years I always wanted to be just like other girls who got attention. I also wanted to get attention from peer boys(Hahaha I know right), but I felt like I wasn't fit enough to get that attention because well maybe I didn't have what the other girls had... I just couldn't figure it out at all. Anyways it wasn't a must to get the boy's attention, because after all there weren't any trophies to be won or neither would it have been a success path for my education. I must confess in my last years of primary school, I wrote a love note in those manilla papers that we used to make book marks with (Yeees right) to a boy who I was fond of and we were desk mates at some point. Couldn't really figure out why I even did this but whatever was ruling in my mind and heart was to prove to others that I could also get the attention (that I assumed other girls got from boys), penned down a love note and slid it in his desk when other pupils had gone for evening devotion/fellowship. The results or consequences are hidden in the walls of that class and definitely with my classmates at the time.
Fast forward to my teenage years I still felt I wasn't Worth it, I felt some sense of social rejection. Just to take you back I now thought that since I couldn't get attention with boys who were my peers, I just cropped up thoughts in my mind that the older boys would make me feel home(worthy) Haha for lack of a better word. I was the quiet type, really wanted everyone to be my friend so that I feel part of the social group. I even tried to force friendships and start a conversation with other school mates now other girls to fill a void of not feeling rejected. I wanted to fit in and feel normal like others but inside me I felt empty, of course I never shared this with anyone because I didn't feel anyone would understand and maybe they would laugh about it(I literally had insecurities).
Over the years I have found myself in situations that I am a doubting Thomas, I didn't or still don't trust easily. Or when I trust it's because I am looking or seeking that attention so that I don't feel rejected. I would even go further and lie about something atimes or share relative experiences with others in a group so that I feel part of them and not out of place. I have complicated or even ended relationships just because I didn't want to be told no or something close to being rejected.
In this journey of life self awareness is very important and until one is aware of their strengths and weaknesses, we can never live past what has been hurting us. Unless we really know what triggers pain and emotional breakdown, it will be hard for one to move to the next level without hurting others or hurting thyself especially internally, but towards others it will be visible and not tolerable. I have struggled with trust issues, I have struggled with anger issues, Sense of social rejection, I have also struggled with fitting in or wanting to please others. However I am am progressively healing from all that because I became aware of what has been eating me up inside and at one point or another I have extended it to other people without realizing it.
Salvation has also impacted my journey in a great way. There's actually knowing that you are saved and understanding that salvation and what it really means. It is only through what we encounter or go through in life that helps us grow in salvation, it teaches us to fully depend on God with everything, it teaches us self love, unconditional love, as well how to progressively overcome what we have been through and what the enemy tries to remind us to go back to.
God I pray that you help me forgive myself, forgive others, fully heal from my past experiences and ask for your forgiveness Lord.... Grant me a life of freedom and renew me everyday in my heart, mind and soul. In Jesus name I pray and Believe, AMEN and AMEN.
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