FEAR OF REJECTION BREEDS TRUST ISSUES, SELF DOUBT AND ANGER

In my adolescent years I always wanted to be just like other girls who got attention. I also wanted to get attention from peer boys(Hahaha I know right), but I felt like I wasn't fit enough to get that attention because well maybe I didn't have what the other girls had... I just couldn't figure it out at all. Anyways it wasn't a must to get the boy's attention, because after all there weren't any trophies to be won or neither would it have been a success path for my education. I must confess in my last years of primary school, I wrote a love note in those manilla papers that we used to make book marks with (Yeees right) to a boy who I was fond of and we were desk mates at some point. Couldn't really figure out why I even did this but whatever was ruling in my mind and heart was to prove to others that I could also get the attention (that I assumed other girls got from boys), penned down a love note and slid it in his desk when other pupils had gone for evening devotion/fellowship. The results or consequences are hidden in the walls of that class and definitely with my classmates at the time.

Fast forward to my teenage years I still felt I wasn't Worth it, I felt some sense of social rejection. Just to take you back I now thought that since I couldn't get attention with boys who were my peers, I just cropped up thoughts in my mind that the older boys would make me feel home(worthy) Haha for lack of a better word. I was the quiet type, really wanted everyone to be my friend so that I feel part of the social group. I even tried to force friendships and start a conversation with other school mates now other girls to fill a void of not feeling rejected. I wanted to fit in and feel normal like others but inside me I felt empty, of course I never shared this with anyone because I didn't feel anyone would understand and maybe they would laugh about it(I literally had insecurities). 

Over the years I have found myself in situations that I am a doubting Thomas, I didn't or still don't trust easily. Or when I trust it's because I am looking or seeking that attention so that I don't feel rejected. I would even go further and lie about something atimes or share relative experiences with others in a group so that I feel part of them and not out of place. I have complicated or even ended relationships just because I didn't want to be told no or something close to being rejected.

In this journey of life self awareness is very important and until one is aware of their strengths and weaknesses, we can never live past what has been hurting us. Unless we really know what triggers pain and emotional breakdown, it will be hard for one to move to the next level without hurting others or hurting thyself especially internally, but towards others it will be visible and not tolerable. I have struggled with trust issues, I have struggled with anger issues, Sense of social rejection, I have also struggled with fitting in or wanting to please others. However I am am progressively healing from all that because I became aware of what has been eating me up inside and at one point or another I have extended it to other people without realizing it. 

Salvation has also impacted my journey in a great way. There's actually knowing that you are saved and understanding that salvation and what it really means. It is only through what we encounter or go through in life that helps us grow in salvation, it teaches us to fully depend on God with everything, it teaches us self love, unconditional love, as well how to progressively overcome what we have been through and what the enemy tries to remind us to go back to. 

God I pray that you help me forgive myself, forgive others, fully heal from my past experiences and ask for your forgiveness Lord.... Grant me a life of freedom and renew me everyday in my heart, mind and soul. In Jesus name I pray and Believe, AMEN and AMEN.

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN!

 

Image Source: Pinterest

SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN!

SCENARIO ONE: Back in primary school I was really the quiet character and there was this boy who always bullied me to a point it affected me and I never shared it with anyone, I used to ask myself why didn’t he bully the rest of the girls or even pupils. I used to cry many times but not in public, one day my classmate found me crying and asked me why I’m crying I told her about the boy in our class but her response wasn’t helpful she told me that, he is a playful boy I think he is not a bully and likes joking around. I think that grew fear in me towards boys. In Sunday school I had a similar experience, a certain boy used to tear my lace dresses. His way of bullying me was tearing off the lace part of it (thank God the dresses had a lining), I used to go home crying. I don’t remember any other girls complain of their dresses been torn and if there were, they never spoke about it. Those two experiences happened in my early stages of school but I did bury them somewhere inside of me.

Why did I bury the experiences? Maybe I thought it was normal and we were young, but it still affected me silently. However over the years I have learnt that speaking out and to the necessary people is a first step to healing deep inside, I never shared with any teacher in school and as for Sunday school I never shared with any of the teachers.

SCENARIO TWO: I had just cleared high school and thought I was all grown up to even attend overnight parties (hahaha I still laugh at this to date). So there was a Christmas Eve house party at one of my cousin’s place and I really wanted to go but of course I was too young to go out and still fresh from school. Since some of my cousins were going I decided to escort them to the bus stop where they would board a matatu to their destination, at home they knew I was coming back after escorting my cousins. When I got to the bus stop I still felt I should go, you know that small voice that keeps telling you…’Go…Go…Just go…You are in safe hands and again it’s your cousin’s place…there’s no harm in it’. Long story short I never went back home but joined my cousins to attend the party.

Why did I want to attend the party? To be honest I really wanted to fit in, in the elder cousins group, to feel like I belong and just wanted to be part of a crowd. I still ask myself why I wanted to feel part of a crowd and in some of my adult years I also never wanted to be left behind when people attended parties or such gatherings. I thought its curiosity or been rebellious but that wasn’t it, because I wasn’t and have never been a fan of all the hullabaloos in parties, but it was just that comfort of being in the company of people, talking and laughing together.

I have been able to pen this down because I am a working progress in healing, acceptance name it and whatever happened to me in the past has in one way affected my today.

All those buried memories that seem to be fresh new memories to date, tells you that it wasn’t really dead and buried, but it was just hidden in a corner and kept coming alive when a similar experience triggered the memories. Deep buried memories build up monsters symbolically.

Everyone has a story or stories, but what I have learnt is that silence is not always golden! Speak out when you have a chance, even when they doubt you there’s someone more superior who hears, listens and knows it all speak to Him in prayer as though having a dialogue with someone directly and He will do His part…, That super being is God our Father.

Part Two loading soon…

FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT!

 FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

I have heard of this quote; “Fake it, till you make it…” and I can’t blame the author because maybe there is what inspired them. I tend to believe that every quote comes from experiences one has gone through and when they overcome or succeed then a quote is born out of that as an inspiration.

There is a season I was waiting on the Lord to open a door of pursuing my dream course Journalism/Mass communication and at the same time I was trusting God to provide a job as well. Most of us can confess of the many job applications they have sent on email or even drop a resume or even go for countless interviews and still have hope that in their waiting season God will come through, others give up and go with what comes along. In my waiting season I was contacted for a job interview, and as usual I got there before time. The job interview went well, however I was to wait for feedback. As I walked to the bus stop I told God I want to go back to school and pursue my dream school, “Lord I don’t know how I will make it through, since I am not on any kind of sustainable income, but Lord I will trust your will and go to my college of choice which offers that course, get full details as I activate my faith for provision.”

I sat at the college reception waiting in line to be called, fortunately I had most of the necessary documents needed for the application. By faith I told the secretary at the reception who was attending me that I will have some installment fee by start of next month. True to it I managed to raise some amount before the next intake which I was to start, by faith I began my classes and I registered for evening classes since I was still trusting God for a job and as well an income to cater for my needs.

I still managed to attend interviews since during the day I was flexible. I decided to join church mission work under the women ministry (where I volunteered in most activities), this specific mission was scheduled for every Monday. So I managed to attend two sessions in a girl’s rehabilitation center. During this mission work on my second day after taking the girls through a bible study session and getting ready to go back home with the other ladies who were in the mission, I got a call that I was considered for a position I had applied for in one of the many interviews and I should go collect my contract which included the starting dates. To date I still believe that God rewarded me for giving myself fully into His work for this specific mission and answered my prayers about a job.

Faith without action is dead: All this time I was in the waiting season, not that I just sat down to wait on God, I also activated my faith through my actions by at least keeping myself occupied with community or church activities as God enabled me. During this time I learnt that I had to Faith it till I made it or rather walk in obedience, trust, humility and hope in God so that I could get to my Canaan. Did I mention before I got the job there are people God used to be in my path, others I felt I was even a bother rather I felt I was too much (but those were just my assumptions, you know what the enemy-one who comes to steal, kill and destroy clouds in your mind…that was it). There are those who let me use their houses as prayer rooms, there are those that called me for part time jobs, there are those that offered help as God directed them, others were just sent to encourage, motivate, inspire; the list can go on.  I am grateful for God using His people, even when least expected and my daily prayer is that may their store houses never lack and may your grace and favour Lord be upon all of them.

In this journey of “FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” there are valleys and mountain moments, we are all a working progress because the valley moments always seem more than the mountain moments, but it’s because we look at it with a human (worldly) perspective instead of a Godly perspective. So let us know that God is always with us no matter what, it may never look like it but He is in the FAITH journey with us. Let us appreciate all seasons because they teach us something, renew us in our hearts, minds and we testify of God’s doing which all glory goes back to Him.

Verses about faith:

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

John 8:24 unless you believe that I am who I claim to be, you will die in your sins.

John 7:38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.

Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.